


Fang-fucking-tastic

by alkjira



Series: Bite Me [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Crack, M/M, No - I mean, craaaaaaack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-05 22:58:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1835332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nori was just looking for a fun night of dancing, maybe someone to go home with if he found someone interesting enough. He'd not expected to be waylaid on his way to the club by a guy who introduced himself as a vampire and then offered to suck his blood.</p><p>He's not complaining though.</p><p>And the author apologies in advance for this crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fang-fucking-tastic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tigrislilium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigrislilium/gifts).



> I'm not sure what happened here. But I blame tigrislilium as they're the one who suggested this pairing.

Nori was fairly sure that if Kíli _could_ have, he would have been blushing now. This was perhaps the first real sign that the young (or maybe not) man had told the truth; that he really was a vampire.

Because really, someone who looked that embarrassed should by rights be blushing.

“It’s never happened before,” Kíli said miserably and put some distance between himself and Nori. “I- God I feel like such a loser.”

“Isn’t it pretty inconvenient to bite people for a living, or unliving I guess, if your teeth won’t co-operate?” Nori asked.  
  
He wondered if he should offer assurances that it happened to everyone, but Nori didn’t really know if that was the truth for vampire teeth. Just because it was true for other parts that grew bigger and could be used for penetration...

To be entirely honest, when the striking brunet had pushed him up against the alley wall outside the club Nori had been a little… distracted, right from the start.  
  
Something about the way he’d moved had made it clear that he wasn’t out to mug him, and he’d carried no weapons, and well, he’d looked like he was looking for a good shag; eyes hooded and dark and full of all sorts of interesting things. And hey, he was gorgeous. Let’s not forget that. It was perfectly acceptable to be shallow when you’d gone out with the intention to get laid.  
  
Only, as he’d crowded Nori against the wall the guy hadn’t kissed him, or dropped to his knees, or even tried to grope him. Nothing normal like that. Instead he’d pushed a little closer still, said that his name was Kíli, that he was a vampire, and that he would give Nori a night of pleasure that he’d never forget. All he wanted in return was a little blood.  
  
Nori’s response? A raised eyebrow and: ‘Bite me.’  
  
(Really, there was no other reply he possibly could have made to an introduction like that.)  
  
“I don’t bite people for a _living_ ,” Kíli protested. “That sounds like I’m a hooker of some sort. Or that I don’t have a normal job.”  
  
“I meant that you’re _literally_ biting people for a living if you’re a vampire, yeah?” Nori leaned back against the brick wall and grinned up at the young (hmm) man (hmmmmm). “Life’s blood and whatnot? Also, you have a normal _job_?”  
  
“I do.”  
  
He was pouting. A potential vampire was pouting.  
  
Nori’s grin grew wider. The pout got more pouty. Nori's grin got wider still.  
  
“I’m not a hooker,” Kíli said sulkily.  
  
He had the tall, dark, handsome and pale thing down, sure. But a vampire, really? He looked about as dangerous as a Labrador puppy with his floppy dark hair and big brown eyes.  
  
“Could have fooled me,” Nori said and nodded at their less than proper surroundings. “Offering a transaction involving pleasure and bodily fluids. And you’re wearing leather trousers. What appears to be _red_ leather trousers even.” _Tight_ , red leather trousers. Wrapped around _very_ nice thighs.  
  
“You're also wearing leather trousers,” Kíli pointed out.  
  
“Kid, the blame game got old a long time ago. And mine aren’t red.”  
  
“And I’m not a _kid_ ,” Kíli protested.  
  
“How old are you then?” Nori asked after a moment's contemplation. “You look don't look much older than18, but maybe that’s 18 centuries?”  
  
18 was legal, not by that much, but legal. Though would had been counted as underage if the guy had a _mental_ age of a-  
  
Kíli mumbled something beneath his breath.  
  
“What was that?” Nori asked.  
  
“I’m 26,” Kíli muttered. “And I’ve only been a vampire for three years, so I guess my body is 23. Which is _not_ 18.”  
  
“Yeah that’s a _world_ of difference,” Nori agreed.  
  
Kíli’s eyes narrowed. “You’re mocking me.”  
  
“A little,” Nori admitted. “But you’re really setting yourself up for it. Tell you what, do something to prove you’re a vampire and I’ll buy you a drink inside the club, we’ll dance and make merry, and you can try and bite me again later. Sound good?”  
  
“You’re serious?”  
  
His face blank Nori nodded. “Dead. Serious.” Then the grin broke through the cracks again.  
  
Kíli sighed and took another step back. As he took the next, the air around him shimmered and when the foot hit the ground it was a paw, and it had three others to keep it company.  
  
The paws were then in turn attached to a large wolf with dark, shaggy fur (not unlike a certain someone’s hair) and red eyes that glittered in the low glow from a nearby streetlight.  
  
The wolf opened its mouth and showed off a fairly impressive set of pointy teeth, but just when Nori started to wonder if he would need the knife tucked into his left boot after all, the wolf whined softly and started to wag its tail.  
  
The transformation, metaphorical this time, from wolf to puppy was instant. He was adorable. And Nori felt obliged to tell him that. So he did.  
  
The tail wagging stopped and the air shimmered again and:  
  
“I’m not adorable.” The pout was back, and Nori felt an awful lot like kissing it. So he did.  
  
Despite just having been one of the canine family Kíli’s breath was quite pleasant, and he was a good kisser, even if his lips were a little more room temperatured than Nori was used to. (Could you say room temperatured even though you weren't actually inside of a room?)

When Nori suddenly nicked his tongue against something sharp he jumped a little and pulled back.

“Teeth coming out to say hello?” he asked and wrapped his arms more firmly around pleasingly broad shoulders. “Promise you won’t kill me and I’ll let you bite me.”  
  
“You’re kind of strange,” Kíli mused, but it didn’t stop him from curling one arm around Nori’s waist. With his free hand he brushed away Nori’s hair from the left side of his neck.  
  
“I was promised a night of pleasure,” Nori pointed out and tipped his head to the side. “And surely Hollywood has to be onto something with all those sensual vampire flicks, yeah? Wow me.”  
  
Kíli snorted and leaned in. He started by pressing kisses to Nori’s skin and the redhead shivered slightly. His neck had always been sensitive, but luckily (considering what was to come) he’d always liked a bit of pain with his pleasure.  
  
Only, nothing happened.  
  
Instead a few minutes went by, not unpleasant in any way because of the string of very nice kisses, but then Kíli sighed, pressed one last kiss to Nori’s neck and took a step back. Or tried to. Nori’s arms were still around his neck, and he was not letting him slip away that easily. Not without turning into a bat or something.  
  
“Shy are they?” Nori asked and Kíli licked his lips and glanced away. “Don’t your teeth like me?”  
  
Kíli looked back at Nori, then down at the ground. “More like a little too much. I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s definitely not you. You’re- you’re beautiful. When I saw you I- I don’t know what’s wrong with  m-“  
  
“None of that now,” Nori said and shook his head. “Come on, I owe you a drink.” He snickered. “Two drinks, to be exact. But we’ll start with the one at the bar and work our way up to the other one."

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I ask for suggestions of rarer pairings.  
> I've never read a Nori/Kíli fic, never had the slightest idea for a plot bunny for them, but I decide to write something short and sweet about them - just to write something today before going to bed - and this bunny attacked. 
> 
> Bunnies are such strange creatures.
> 
> Also, who thinks that when Kíli finally gets his teeth up, or down as it were, he finishes just a little too soon for Nori's tastes? *snickers*


End file.
